When Holiday Family Time Triggers Anxiety: A Trauma-Informed Perspective

“I’m already anxious about seeing my family for the holidays.”

As a therapist, when I hear this, I don’t think someone is being dramatic, negative, or ungrateful.I think: their nervous system remembers something important.

For many people, the holidays aren’t just about gatherings, traditions, or celebrations. They can quietly (or loudly) activate old family dynamics, roles, and emotional wounds that live beneath the surface. And often, the body knows this before the mind does.

Why Anxiety Shows Up Around Family

If you notice your body tensing up, your chest feeling tight, or your anxiety rising just thinking about being with certain family members, there’s a reason for that.

Our nervous systems are shaped by past experiences — especially relational ones. Family environments are where many of us first learned:

• how to stay safe emotionally

• when to stay quiet

• when to people-please

• when to brace for conflict

• when to shut down or disappear

Even if those patterns are no longer happening in the same way, your nervous system may still be reacting as if they are.

This doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with you.It means your body is responding based on history, not failure.

Trauma Lives in the Body, Not Just the Mind

One of the most misunderstood parts of anxiety is that it’s often treated as purely cognitive — something we should be able to talk ourselves out of.

But trauma and chronic stress are stored somatically — in the nervous system, muscles, breath, and automatic responses. That’s why you can logically know:

“I’m an adult now. I don’t live there anymore.”

…and still feel anxious, small, or overwhelmed in family settings.

Your nervous system doesn’t respond to logic first. It responds to felt safety.

Preparing Your Nervous System (Not Just Your Words)

When family dynamics are difficult, preparation isn’t about having the perfect response or explanation. It’s about helping your nervous system feel safer.

That might look like:

• deciding ahead of time how long you’ll stay

• identifying topics you won’t engage in

• planning a gentle exit strategy

• grounding before you arrive (feet on the floor, slow exhales, orienting to the room)

Boundaries aren’t about being cold or distant — they’re a form of self-regulation.

Noticing Activation in the Moment

Many people don’t realize they’re activated until they’re already overwhelmed. Early signs might include:

• shallow breathing

• jaw clenching

• tight chest or stomach

• an urge to appease or withdraw

Simply noticing these cues gives you more choice. You don’t have to fix anything — just acknowledge what your body is signaling.

Small regulating actions can help:

• placing a hand on your chest

• pressing your feet into the floor

• stepping outside or into a quieter space

• slowing your exhale

You don’t need to feel calm. You just need to feel a little safer.

“Why Does This Still Affect Me?”

This is one of the most common questions I hear.

When family interactions continue to trigger anxiety, shame, or shutdown, it’s often not because you haven’t “moved on” — it’s because your nervous system hasn’t had the chance to update.

Approaches like EMDR and nervous-system–informed therapy help the brain and body distinguish then from now. Instead of reacting from old survival patterns, your system can learn that the present moment is different — and safer.

A Gentle Reminder

If the holidays feel hard for you, you’re not broken.You’re not too sensitive.And you’re not failing at healing.

Your nervous system learned these responses for a reason. With the right support, it can learn something new.

If anxiety around family dynamics feels overwhelming or familiar year after year, therapy can help you move through the holidays — and your life — with more ease, choice, and self-trust.